The first man in my life!

The best man in my life!

The other man in my life!

Fatherhood is like clothing. You can live without it but no one should have to and you never feel complete. I have been the beneficiary of excellent examples of fatherhood throughout my life beginning with my own father, who rarely went a day without telling me how much he loved me. My father-in-law, who exemplifies all that the Savior taught and is and my sweet husband who is the bravest man I’ve ever met. I am very drawn to the role of fatherhood, which incidentally made for a quite a struggle on my mission because I went with the preconceived notion that my mission president would be a father figure for me but was actually more of a CEO and very impersonal. I struggled immensely with that; not having a Dad close to rely on and being unable to call my own. However, because of that struggle, I came to know my Heavenly Father intimately, which has ingrained in me the absolute necessity for a present and active father in each person’s life.

The 5 points of Fatherhood:  I have chosen to make my five points from two different articles: The Science of Fatherhood: Why Dad’s matter (http://www.livescience.com/20997-science-fatherhood-fathers-day.html) and The Involved Father (http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/parenting_roles/the_involved_father.aspx) .

1. Fathers prepare their children for life differently. Mother’s tend to teach their children about kindness, tenderness, and similar attributes. Involved fathers teach their children about the harsh realities of life which prepare them to face the world and navigate crises as they grow and develop. Combined mothering and fathering allow for the child to be more well-rounded and high functioning.

2. Fathers have a strong influence on their children’s human interaction development. Children learn acceptable human interaction and physical behavior from contact with their fathers through physical contact (wrestling, rough-housing, intimate moments), how the father treats the mother and other females, how they communicate with children and peers, and how they deal with “hard” people. For some reason, probably associated with the Alpha-male pattern, children are clearly affected by the father’s interactions with others and the children, themselves.

3. Fathers are influential in helping their children develop drive and persistence. If a father exhibits these qualities with an authoritative parenting style (clear boundaries with appropriate freedoms), children are much more likely to mirror their father which in turn leads to more involvement in proper activities and less delinquency.

4. A father’s love is paramount in feelings of security and self-worth.  Ronald Rohner, the director of the Center for the Study of Interpersonal Acceptance and Rejection at the University of Connecticut conducted a study found in the journal, Personality and Social Psychology Review, which concluded that knowledge of a fathers love is a better predictor of a child’s happiness and overall satisfaction than the knowledge of a mother’s love. 

5. We see ourselves through our Father’s eyes. Elder James E. Faust, in his talk, Father, Come Home, quoted noted scholar, Karl Zinsmeister as saying, “research also shows that fathers are critical in the establishment of gender in children. Interestingly, fatherly involvement produces stronger sexual identity and character in both boys and girls. It is well established that the masculinity of sons and the femininity of daughters are each greater when fathers are active in family life.” (http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/04/father-come-home?lang=eng) As we have learned in class, we pick up on cues and labels that are placed upon us and fathers would have a magnificent influence in that area, again because of the Alpha-male pattern.  As our father thinketh, so are we.

My father:

As mentioned above, my father is a very loving man. He is always kissing my forehead, telling me how much he loves me and very eager to help me with anything I ask. I was adopted at 2 days old. Legend has it that my teenage birthmother had essentially a one night stand with a stranger so my biological father is a complete mystery. However, I have never felt slighted because I have been genuinely loved by my dad. Strangely, my dad and I are very similar. We see the world very much the same way. We have a similar sense of humor, a great love for other people and the outdoors and we love to work together.

My dad always included me in projects, even when I would have rather not been so included. I have many fond memories of gardening, adding on to our house, building furniture, fixing cars, lawn care, vacationing, driving, camping, running workshops and grading papers with my dad. He found a way to include me in most everything he did and we still do a lot of this, even though I’m old and he is older.

As a result of all the time I have spent with my father, I am much more drawn to men, in general. I am more comfortable around men, can relate to men better, and am drawn to more masculine tasks. I don’t understand women very well because even though I had a mother and four sisters, I spent the most time with my dad.

Ensuring Fatherly Involvement:

My 16 year old daughter and I have an interesting bond. I am a sucker for enabling her during hard times. Last August, we moved her out to Chicago to live with family and attend High School there. I knew that if she called me crying that I would give in so we made the agreement that every time she called, Dad would answer first and assess the nature of the call. If everything was going well, she could talk to me but if she was struggling, it was Dad’s turf. I have to say, it’s worked fabulously! He knows what to say to inspire her to keep on keeping on.

As I have contemplated my husband’s role in my life and my children’s life, I realize that he is truly the foundation that keeps us grounded. The one attribute that describes him is humility. He admits his weaknesses and is always the first to apologize in any misunderstanding or altercation.

He has been working on his education since we were married 19 years ago and yet has raised competent and reasonably well-adjusted children, maintained a very happy marriage, served in various church callings, and worked on improving his own issues. He has been the example to us all of how to be well-rounded. (He completed his Ed.D. this week! I'm married to a Doctor!)

My daughter told me the other day that a Young Women’s leader asked her about her dad and my daughter said she started crying so hard she couldn’t talk. She was finally able to blubber, “He’s perfect.” I honestly don’t know what he could do better and he certainly doesn’t need my help doing it. 

This week we studied parenting. As I have reflected back on my parenting over the last 18+ years, oh the things I would do differently...

I have been soooo good lately not to get "into it" with people on Facebook but I failed this week. It's interesting after our class this week that I didn't remember how easily communication fails, especially when done electronically. It's really a poor substitute for the spoken word.

I try really hard to follow the habit, "seek first to understand and then be understood." It's important for me. I have realized over many years how much I can learn and my perspective can change, if not my actual beliefs, when I pipe down and really try to understand other people. However this tactic is often very one sided in electronic conversations and if the computer is the breeding ground then Facebook is the cesspool.
It's overwhelming to me how brave people get behind their computers when they would never dream of saying these things to you in person or even over the phone. 

The sad part to me is how communication has deteriorated from well thought out and interesting insights to instant name calling, labeling and bullying. It's become the portal for anger disguised as knowledge. Saying something is wrong or lame or phobic doesn't make it true just because you believe it. We can't seem to have a conversation of understanding anymore (what do you think and why?). Now it's, "this is what I think and everyone who might think differently doesn't deserve my respect or better yet, a place on this planet. Now who's with me?" It's painful and it's tearing us as friends, families, neighbors, citizens, as humans, apart. Differences of opinions are great (it's the garden of the human race) and expressing them is a divine right. Shoving them on others and demanding acceptance is not. I love to communicate with people but I am done doing it if all they can do is point fingers, be nasty, call names, label people and constantly be close minded. I'm sad to say it but I know I'm right in this. :)

It almost seems like old rhetoric but even though we've heard it over and over doesn't mean it ISN'T true. The family is under attack. It is being bombarded with every possible crises to tear it apart. It's sad but true; there is no way to stop this. However, we can slow or stop the progress and it starts with our own families and most importantly, ourselves.  A friend of mine said in a class post this week: "the word "crisis" in Greek means a turning point in a disease." In other words, we can use a crisis as an opportunity for changing course. If something isn't working and hasn't been for a long time, it's time for a new direction. 

I don't know if it's because as humans we tend to be creatures of habit but life has a funny way of turning those habits into diseases which then come to a head in what we can typically define as a crisis.

How we deal with that crisis is within our control.

We can ask ourselves the following questions:
How have we dealt with the disease and subsequent crisis in the past?
Do you wish you would have done things differently?
Is it too late to do that now?
Is your family worth the effort it will take to make the change?
Are you willing to take responsibility for the crises that arise from what possibly isn't your disease or one that you asked for?
If your life can be made better, why wouldn't you do that?

Typically we don't make needed changes because we are fearful so what are you afraid of? 

Are those realistic fears or made up fears and what would you do if you weren't afraid? 

If you've been telling everyone your sob story, blaming everyone but yourself, go stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eye and tell it again. Can you lie to yourself? Are you really okay with being a victim? You're okay with letting someone or something hurt you over and over? What will you do differently?

My husband had a very interesting experience a while ago. One day, while resting through an illness, he had a dream. He saw all the past struggles in his life that he would define as major events or even crises and then he was able to recollect how he dealt with each event. The thought then came to him, what will you do differently now? 

That is profound in that, the thought wasn't what would you do differently because we can't go back. It doesn't help and we can't change the past but we can do something different now.

A crisis doesn't need to make or break us. It can change us and put us on a different course, one that moves us away from the disease that was hurting us and others.

A few things about sex:

1. Men and women are very different when it comes to sex. Men get excited quicker and by sight. They climax quicker. Women take longer and are more aroused by touch. If we understand and incorporate these facts, couple can get on the same page and have a very fulfilling sex life.

2. Knowledge is power. Had I known these things as a newlywed, our sex life may have been dramatically different and some issues easily resolved.

3. Communication is key. Talk about things; the uncomfortable things. 

4. Sex wanes when your kids are little but just seeing your husband vacuuming can be excellent foreplay. "Now?" is not.

5. Sex is not like in the movies. Well maybe the first time but that's about it. Until later. It's a dance; a messy dance and toes definitely get stepped on. But as you practice and practice and practice :), you start to enjoy the dance and begin to create something of beauty. 

6. There is a very serious reason God tells us to wait to have sex until we are married and all the statistics show (again) He is right. Giving yourself to a person in a sexual way is something you can never get back, it damages self-esteem and a person will spend a long time trying to justify why it was okay for them. Your children are more likely to have premarital sex if you did, and children need two committed, loving parents to raise them. Premarital sex isn't about love. It's about hormones. Just wait. It's sooo worth the wait! 

7. "Women first" isn't just for opening doors.

Our assigned study this week, and last week, was about relationships and selecting a life partner. Most of my reading came from the textbook, "Marriage & Family; The quest for intimacy" by Lauer and Lauer (8th edition)

What a topic! 

I was intrigued in our class this week at the gender discussion and the same-sex attraction discussion. I could have stayed there for hours. (I do try very hard not to raise my hand very much because I KNOW I could monopolize the entire discussion because it's so fascinating to me but this week, I didn't do so well in my quest to keep my hand in it's pocket.)

A couple of main points that struck me in my study are this:

1. We are created with predetermined gender genes. That is "who I am."  I also come with predisposed character traits. I AM a girl and that cannot be changed but I am not my character traits because I can choose to follow those and use them or ignore them and obtain different ones. This is fundamental to me in regards to God's plan. Biology predisposes people to certain behaviors, nature gives us experiences that influences those behaviors and God gives us the choice in how we will behave.

2. Science is not absolute and just because the media reports on something doesn't make it true. The media is there to make money and media ethics and integrity has all but left the station. 

3. Men and women are made different. Men's brains and bodies work differently than women's and I believe that it's in God's infinite wisdom that we are told to marry someone from the opposite sex and be bound for eternity and then make it work. We need to be grateful for the gender we are and be grateful for the wonderful things our spouse brings to the marriage but we also need to learn from one another and incorporate the good traits that we learn. A timid woman can become more assertive. A unthinking man can become more sensitive. These are great attributes for all humans.

4. If women want true equality, do not ask to have tests and challenges changed for you. Work hard to meet the standards that have been set. If you cannot do the tasks the job requires, either get that way or let it go. If a woman can't lift me out of a burning building, she shouldn't be a fire fighter. I know a lot of women want to be able to be bosses and earn the same money and so forth but they need to consider first, what are they willing to sacrifice? If you are willing to sacrifice raising your children to let someone else do it, it's probably better that you don't have any children. Be willing to sacrifice your desire to have it all for having a really good part of some of it.

I have very strong feelings about the mirage of wealth and opportunities. Now that I have raised my children, lived in several different areas and been around all sorts of income levels, I would vehemently argue that after a certain amount of income, your life, happiness, and success, is not based on your wealth. I am the product of parents with limited income who managed their finances meticulously and we lived happily and with all that we needed. Sure, I wanted more but in mature hindsight, I was fine without it and better off without it.

A great example of this is the study we read about Mexican illegal immigrants moving to the US to make a better life for their children. Yes, their children learned English and got somewhat of an American education but at what cost?? Their family life suffered due to separation caused by time and distance. It is heartbreaking to see that these families are willing to trade family relations for a better life which translated means, more opportunities means more money. They exchange time because the father typically spends more hours at work than he did in Mexico and the Mom now works where as in Mexico most of the mothers stayed home. They also trade time with extended family because of course now they do not live anywhere near them and cannot travel to see them because of the legality and expense. The children spend a lot of time alone because the parents are both working long hours and the children also have undo pressure placed upon them to make sure the parents can make it in this foreign country. And all this negative impact, for what? So that their kids don't have to go through the same financial constraints the parents did. However, the children in turn have forgone a childhood of security. It was stated in the study that many, if not most, of the illegal immigrant youth turned to drugs and gangs because of their loneliness and the desire to fit in to this foreign culture.


What if the parents had stayed in Mexico, the father worked hard, they lived frugally, spent quality time together, spent time with extended family, stayed out of drugs and gangs, went to school, studied English (even as a family) and stayed together? The outcome of the children's lives and is well worth having a little less. The idea of giving up our families for the sake of the children's success is a painful juxtaposition and one that most likely will not produce the desired results. The children will suffer and for what?

A Little Story
A businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The businessman complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The businessman then asked why he didn't stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The businessman then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take a siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life, señor."

The businessman scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and I could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats; eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor and eventually open your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City where you would run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?" To which the businessman replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, señor?" The businessman laughed and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions, señor? Then what?" The businessman said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "Isn't that what I'm doing right now?"
 - Author Unknown

Talking to my sister about this very idea I started to realize that some of my greatest memories growing up were playing crazy games with my sisters, like burying them in the couch and laying on them and complaining about how lumpy the couch was and us laughing and laughing so hard. We also would go on long walks and sing at the top of our lungs and laughing and running away when the ornery neighbor yelled out his door at us to shut up. We laughed about traveling in our tiny hot car all over the west coast and all the great memories of being smooshed in the back seat. I remember swimming in the lake with my Dad and talking to my mom forever about my problems while she would sew. I loved watching Amadeus every Sunday with my sisters and finally quoting and singing the entire movie because it was the only movie we were allowed to watch on Sundays (the old rated PG version).

It's most important thing is to teach your children to work hard and to look for wise opportunities.  Money is not important and death is proof of that.

Last night in class, which I LOVED, by the way, we discussed theories, one of which was the systems theory. In short it says that every part of a "system" is affected when one part of the system is affected (in any way). 

We also discussed a couple that had found themselves in a bad cycle, not understanding each others point of view and not effectively communicating. The husband saved the marriage by breaking the cycle. This is so exciting and important to me! It's a fascinating subject and one that is  addressed by President Ezra Taft Benson ( http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1989/04/beware-of-pride?lang=eng&query=beware+pride ) and other prophets and scripture and Christ, Himself. But I digress.

The most important part of this story is that even though one of the spouses may have been the perpetrator, it didn't matter. That was not discussed. Through therapy they realized that the cycle had to stop and the husband was presented with the first opportunity and he took it.  We all know the definition of insanity... and this couple saved their marriage by becoming sane again.

I have been on both sides of this coin in my marriage, thinking that my husband was at fault and I wasn't going to budge until he not only asked forgiveness but openly and boldly declared I was right all along. Bad choice. It creates a unevenness and a disconnect that are disruptive to the system and almost impossible to repair. 

The times where I have chosen to not care who was right but just acquiesce, I and consequently WE are quick to find our rhythm again and feel peace and as a result, a greater love for each other. 

So much of marital and familial discord can be overcome and eventually (because it's learning to dance together) avoided if I am willing to communicate openly and honestly, which means listening more than I talk and saying what I really mean, as vulnerable and as scary as that feels. And most importantly, we will not only succeed but find joy, if I am willing to let go of my pride and break the small but significant bad cycles that can develop. 

This concept is so valuable for relationships of all kind. Don't blame someone, just make a change. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEQAie8ABLE)

This week we were supposed to research some aspect of family that was interesting to us and as I did this assignment I started out looking at the effects of divorce on children. I think that merits a lot of study but as I researched that, I was led to the idea of pre-marital education. Interestingly enough, my mother had just brought over an article addressing the same topic. It is fascinating and frankly very exciting to me that pre-marriage classes are becoming an agenda item. I found an incredible website: http://www.nwamarriages.com/ which I think should be a role model for all states. We spend $1000.00 for 1 parent family care to every $1.00 spent on pre-marital education. We are steeped in defense or treatment instead of offense or preventative care. How many more goals are made by offense than by defense?

So what I am thinking is that for part of my education I would like to put together pre-marital education classes and present them to the city and county as part of getting a marriage license. We can offer a discount toward the license if they sign up for and complete the course together. This gets me super excited!!! 

Another thought: free or very low cost marriage counseling to those qualifying  in lower income tax brackets. It could potentially save us millions, if not billions in 1 parents and poverty stricken households...but that's for another entry.